Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

For a long time, being a perfectionist was something I chased. I couldn’t make any mistakes, couldn’t fail at anything I tried for the first time, couldn’t slip up in any way, or I’d risk losing some imaginary gold medal.

And it was exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong—I don’t think there’s a problem with having a close eye for detail and taking your time to make sure you’ve dotted all your Is and crossed every T. But I’ve learned that there are some nuances behind the idea of perfectionism that have me trying to recover from this impossible goal.

There is more than one right way to do something

There’s always more than one way to cook an egg. My ideal path to solving a problem or reaching a goal might not be the same as my friend’s or colleague’s—but that doesn’t mean either one of us is wrong. Perfectionism, however, doesn’t leave room for these other perspectives.

For example, as a writing major, my training was in standard American English. It has a specific grammar and conventions that, as an editor, I stringently abided by. But sometimes, particularly in first-person writing meant to capture and evoke the writer’s personality, the use of dialects like African American Vernacular English (AAVE), is the “right” English—even if its grammar and conventions might differ from those I was taught in school.

In my quest to begin decolonizing my own mind, I’m learning that perfectionism and the belief in one right way are two of the characteristics of white supremacy culture identified by writer Tema Okun. This discovery really got me thinking about how pursuing perfectionism wasn’t serving me or anyone else.

“Mistakes” are really just lessons

“Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.” Those words from L.M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables were a balm to my struggling perfectionist self. A new day, a fresh start, a chance to forget the mistakes you made in the past. But ignoring mistakes also casts aside the gifts that they are. Some of my greatest learning experiences have been borne out of something going wrong.

Mistakes, failures, and unexpected obstacles fuel innovation and growth.

Mistakes, failures, and unexpected obstacles fuel innovation and growth. A mistake can shed light on a previously unseen bias, a pain point that needs to be addressed, or an area of weakness to explore further. A mistake can even serve as a simple reminder: “Hey, remember last time you forgot to grab your keys and locked yourself out? Put them in your jacket pocket so you don’t do that again!”

Growth is a more realistic goal than perfection

Once, when I was agonizing over a small mistake, someone gave me the tough love I needed by asking, “Did you really think you were so perfect that you wouldn’t ever make a single mistake?” Well, when you put it like that, of course not!

Perfect is the apex, the often unattainable peak of progress. There’s no way to improve on perfect, and if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that I’m always improving, learning, and growing. How can any of us hold ourselves to perfectionism when there is so much more waiting on the other side? Curiosity, open-mindedness, collaboration, resilience, creativity—the possibilities open up immensely if you allow yourself to let go of perfection as a goal.

We could all use some more self-compassion

When you identify as a perfectionist and then you inevitably mess up, it can lead to a lot of mental distress—I’m talking middle-of-the-night panics and plenty of negative self-talk. That’s not a good, helpful, or healthy way to go through life.

Whether we like it or not, making mistakes is part of what makes us human, and putting yourself or anyone else on the pedestal of perfection can set you up for a fall. Eschewing perfectionism allows us to be kinder to ourselves.

For now, I’m focusing on being perfectionish, rather than perfectionist, and I think that’s a good start.